Two of my courses for this semester ended today, and I think this will free up so much of my time. I’ve been studying so much in the past few weeks, but I still feel… dumb. Mastery of public health requires so much praxis, and I feel that my work experiences should add more value to the learning process. Theories are important, but its practice that helps you contextualize and actually do stuff. My current job does not allow for such experiences, hence, ennui.
Aside from classes, my weekends are now partly used for job-searching. Still I always ask myself, I am just escaping from something, or would leaving really solve something for me? I settled with my first two jobs, and in this economy, it is much better than having nothing. I got the job offer of my dreams around two months ago, but I had to let it go for practical reasons. I am not hoping to find a good reason to stay here because I am beyond that… I applied to my current job because of its prospects. Around two years later, no recognition and permanency is in site. I am nowhere close to doing what I feel and hope I should be doing. Everything I expected to hate in a job was validated. Money is my main motivation for staying, and self-validation tells me that it is fine.
I cannot explain it, but my mind feels like it is dulling due to stagnancy, and honestly it is so, so depressing. I hope I could find a better job soon, one that makes my heart sing. It would be hard to get the best of many worlds, but I now have to make sure that it is something that I really want.
And if I do so, the first thing I will be getting is therapy.
ballerinagene 