Time Capsule: 2018

If I were to describe this year with one word, that word would be GROWTH (just like everyone else).

This year felt like forever! So many transitions have happened all at once. I didn’t really claim 2018 to be my “year”, but come to think of it, I’m embracing it.😊 Who I was at the start and at the end of this year are two very different people, and I’m more than okay with that. Here’s a run-through of the significant events that have shaped this year:

January

• I had my hair cut a little too short beyond what was “safe” considering my face shape. I didn’t care about my buts anymore, and I liked it.
• My Lola and Tita moved out of what we considered as our family house in UP Diliman.
• My fellow immersionists and I returned to Mountain Province to provide a health education lecture on pediculosis. We were right in time for a Kalinga party, and it was an experience like no other.
• I went drinking for the first time (this is very memorable to me!!! Haha). We drank a bottle of tequila and I lost count of the number of shots I took. I went home without slippers…because someone stole them. 😊
• Started my last semester in college.
• Started filing my applications for med school.
• Started weight training thanks to a fitness org in school (love u, PUSH UP!). And no, weight training won’t make me fat.
• Had a photowalk at Escolta with my Mama! It was nice to see Escolta through new lenses (literally and figuratively), despite all the urban decay.

February

• The quarter life crisis begins (refer to the following bullets).
• Really considered pursuing Public Health instead of Medicine after attending a series of career talks in school.
• Started our data collection for thesis. The stories of the people we interviewed and the reasons why they couldn’t take their meds… I’m reminded of my why. That, and I love people! 😊
• I had some more realizations through our thesis: 1) We must really take the time to listen to the plight of the poor! It means a lot to them. 2) Being in the health sciences gives us a lot of power to influence people (given the fact that health seems to be a privilege rather than a right). May we use this influence wisely. 3) STUDY WELL so you can answer questions! Practice na rin ng pagkuha ng BP, hahaha. One day it’s all waiting eyes and ears and maybe even a life on the line. You’ll never know when what you know will matter the most, especially when you’re in a place where everyone is relying solely on you.
• Unrelated: donated my hair to charity for the second time! Celebrated Lola’s birthday…for the last time. And we were all late and she almost slept sad. ☹
• Did all sorts of weird things for our insect collection for Medical Entomology hahaha.
• Attended Teach and Treat for the second time.

MARCH

• Celebrated Kuya’s graduation!
• Took the PLM MCAT. Also had my interview after a few days. I was disheartened. Huhu.
• Learned how to use Photoshop (still part of growth, ey!)
• Watched Sayaw Manila with friends.
• THESIS DEFENDED! It was my first time to do an all-nighter in college (as a sleepyhead). Which means…
• Field practice begins! Our group began with lab rotations in PGH. It was enlightening to have access to what goes on behind the scenes in a hospital, and I loved the pneumatic tubes LOL. Anyways, I really learned the importance of ALL allied health professions! In fact, it even inspired me to take the board exam for Medical Technologists (which I will mention again later). It is very important to practice teamwork and to have a system for efficient healthcare delivery. I’ll be honest, I saw doctors as at least a bit more steps higher compared to other professions until we underwent this rotation. Hindi naman pala dapat ganun. No one is higher than the other. Everyone is EQUALLY important and with a unique set of skills and knowledge that will prove to be helpful in saving lives. Which leads me yet again to…
• Doubts about taking up Medicine (again, and it didn’t help that the application processes for all the schools I applied to were discouraging lol)
• Went to South Korea for the first time! My feet and body were tired, but my mind and heart were full! 😊

APRIL

• Went to Sagada again after almost a decade! Also went to Batad to see the rice terraces. Sobrang ganda, huhuhu.
• First time to have intense hyperacidity which persisted until the next few months.
• FIELD DEPLOYMENT! This is peak Public Health. 😊) We were deployed in General Emilio Aguinaldo, Cavite. I am also from Cavite, but I honestly haven’t heard of the place before until now.

MAY

• End of field work. Facilitating a community health project is no joke. I felt tired and stretched thin, but with no regret. All the experiences we had have been rewarding! Working on solid waste management was challenging, as it involved other sectors aside from health. Our adviser warned us that we may not want to go to Medicine at all after this immersion. Now at the end of the year and after everything that has happened… she was right. 😊
• Saw Malibik-libik Falls.
• Got inducted to an honor society.
• Officially #Gradwaiting! Also got my Sablay!
• Got enrolled to SLCM.
• Lost a close relative for the first time (may you rest in peace, Tito Rene).
• Went on a very quick trip to Ilocos Norte! 😊 The shores of Currimao are underrated lol.
• It was also in Ilocos where I found out I will be graduating with honors! Sobrang clutch but we made it fam!!!

JUNE

• Pushed myself to join an interprofessional competition—we won! Yay! We were able to design a multifaceted DRRM plan for the people of Sabtang Island in Batanes. 😊
• Experienced another intense hyperacidity attack + diarrhea combo. PMS is the worst huhu
• My sister graduated from Senior High!
• My wish to visit Palawan was GRANTED! The islands were beautiful. Nacpan is hands down the most beautiful beach I have ever visited. There’s a lot more I haven’t explored, and I will definitely return!
• Attended and had fun at our grad ball! I also became friends again with one of my best friends. 😊
• Officially graduated as an alumna of the College of Public Health and University of the Philippines! ❤
• Worked on drawings for health modules.

JULY

• Withdrew my enrolment from SLCM and enrolled to PLM (which caused me so much distress, but I don’t want to highlight that anymore char)
• Prepared for a seminar (that was eventually cancelled huhu ok sayang effort)
• Celebrated 2 years with my then boyfriend.
• Now really decided to take the board exams. The self-review ordeal begins. I admit, it was hard to study for the boards HUHU but I really wanted it, so I persisted!

AUGUST

• Start of med school! This felt like it could work.
• Watched movies at Cinemalaya (again).

SEPTEMBER

• This is when it all started. Everything started to feel wrong.
• Had the most emotional heart-to-heart talk with Papa (take note: we aren’t affectionate at home haha). I was already dead inside for the past days, and his assurance revived me. 😊
• Took the board exams! I won’t really claim to know anything because I don’t. I was so hopeless and clueless after the exam. ☹ But by God’s grace, we made it! #RMTby2018, indeed!
• Paralyzing anxiety started creeping in.

OCTOBER

• Life’s kind of a bore now that it revolved much around med school. The little in-betweens made all the difference, though. I’m also very thankful for the love and presence from my family and friends! They were my haven in these trying times. 😊
• We lost Lola (may your soul rest in peace, Lola!).
• The demands of med school really made me evaluate the things I value in life. I really can’t give up a lot of things, no matter how shallow they may seem. Lola’s death made me realize the gift of time, and I value all the moments I could ever have with my family. I can’t pause a portion of my life for this kind of career. To me, it’s just not worth it.
• This seems rather commonplace, but I attended an Educational Discussion and went to a local arts and culture shop (which is right across PLM only, mind you), both for the first time. These are special to me because I was reminded of my humanity after being dehumanized by med school for the past few months. This was another realization—I’m not willing to give up my humanity for my career (not all doctors are “dehumanized” so to speak, but let’s face it, this whole process of med school will dehumanize you at some point along the journey).
• Did a very big step 1 for my wellness.
• Spent one weekend binge-watching the Haunting of Hill House with my cousins despite the exams. No regrets. 😊

NOVEMBER

• More and more med school. You could really get used to it. But still.
• Took my oath as a registered medical technologist.
• Started worrying less about moving places (i.e. being a kaladkarin lol). 😊
• Attended a med mission in Quiapo.
• Joined Aksyon Health Workers.
• Discovered Netflix and one of the first few things I (binge)watched was Grey’s Anatomy! They’re great and inspiring, but not the kind of inspiring that would make me still want to be a doctor (nope nope nope).
• Applied and got accepted for a non-school related internship (despite the shifting exams!).
• Nagkaroon ng pake sa UAAP Basketball, HAHA!

DECEMBER

• Celebrated my 22^nd birthday in Nasugbu. 😊
• Had some of the best moments with 1B! Had our #BrokeButCultured moments and our sem-ender in Calamba. I love these people! ❤
• Got drunk for the first time (and secretly for experimental purposes haha). I’m a sleepy and forgetful one when drunk. 😊)
• Started my internship at Valea Health! I feel so valued and validated (haha), though I’m still a bit shy. There’s a niche out there for everyone, truly!
• Had what probably will be the most memorable UPD Lantern Parade to date. 😊
• Joined a med mission for Lumads in Marikina.
• Spent my much-earned do-nothing days with the family at our new house. 😊
• Went to Ilocos Norte again. We celebrated New Year’s Eve on the road!

From all the things that have happened, I’ve taken note of the key lessons I have learned throughout the year:

1. Strength in letting go of some things for the sake of my sanity.

This year, I learned that giving up didn’t exactly mean being weak or unable, as it could also mean courage. I’m letting go of the MD to pursue a career in Public Health, which seems to be an “obscure” career path as compared to the former. A doctor’s niche in society is well-established and respected, while for a Public Health worker, much still needs to be known. Letting go of the MD is a courageous act for me, because it means going against expectations and unsolicited questions. It means going against the what-ifs and living a life that may not be as luxurious as what a career in medicine (often) promises. I also let go of a relationship that was more than ideal all because something just didn’t feel right. I made a lot of choices that weren’t comfortable and were scary, but this is me, living out my honesty. There’s nothing more to be done in a place where my heart is no longer in. My mission is to go where I am needed, not where I have to be in. There is nothing wasted on things you realize to not want later on. Dealing with heartaches and losses may be sad, but it reveals more about the things you want and cannot deal with. Change follows letting go, and from there, there is nothing left to do but to move forward.

2. Being honest with myself.

I can’t keep pretending that something is still keeping me or will eventually make me happy when I know deep down that it won’t. Staying in medical school or in that relationship won’t make me happy eventually, especially when I feel deep down that it already doesn’t. Likewise, when you’ve already found the things or the people you love, you go and fight for them. 😊

Another part of being honest with myself is admitting when I am already tired. It helps to know your limits and when you have reached it. Know thyself and act accordingly. If you’re tired, rest. If you need someone, call a friend or a relative. Your overall health is just as important as anything that needs to be achieved. Like what they say, you can’t serve others when your cup is empty.   Also, I have come to realize that not everything and everyone deserves my energy. As much as I want to be there for everyone or to achieve a lot, my energy is limited. It takes a lot of discerning to know which ones deserve my time or not, or which ones should be a priority.

3. Upholding your values and not bending for anyone who tells you otherwise.

Knowing what your values are could really help you determine how you want to live your life. You could live with people who have clashing values, but it takes a lot of work, compromise, and understanding. I’m still trying to figure this out, and I hope it’s not all impossible.

4. Trusting my gut.

When honesty cannot come into play when deciding, it may be beneficial to listen to your gut. I let go of a relationship because something just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t point a finger to it, but the clarity came later on. I’ve learned to trust my gut through this experience. One must take caution, however, as big decisions like these require a lot of reflection. Do not trust your gut alone; jump into the decision once you know for sure what you will be risking.

 

5. Believing in myself and testing my limits.

This was most evident in my decision to take the licensure exams for medical technologists. As a graduate of Public Health, I was eligible to take the exams, but the similarities between medical technology and public health could be represented by the center part of a Venn diagram that has been juxtaposed a bit farther apart from one another. It didn’t help that I decided to take the exams a bit too late for the enrollment to the review centers. Okay, I wanted this, so I persevered. Reviewing for the boards meant sacrificing the little summer vacation I have left before med school and less time for sleeping when med school started, but I accepted it. For an introvert, self-studying really has its perks.😊 I can’t really say if what I did was enough because I was so clueless during the exams, but as mentioned earlier, I passed anyways (hashtag God’s plan, indeed!).

As for med school, I really wanted to drop right before the deadline for dropping, but I entertained the possibility of the stresses from the looming board exam and the adjustment phase, so I went through it anyway. I admit, I was really miserable, but I made it! Right before the semester ended, I also got accepted for an internship in a health coaching company. The tasks given to me have been fulfilling so far and seeing their approval of my works made me feel really valued and… validated.

After all these, I couldn’t help but say “kaya ko naman pala”, and again, these experiences made me know more about myself and until where I can go. I also have the forever dilemma of not knowing between giving up and getting tired, but I learned that passion (or lack thereof) for what you’re doing will help you determine which is which. 😊

6. Nurturing my strengths, talents and relationships.

This year, I did a lot of accepting who I was and finding the strengths in what I thought were weaknesses. I may be anxious, but I pay attention to detail. I may feel too much, but it helps me become emphatic when dealing with people and in being honest. I may be too kind, but I can be there for the people who need me (for the most part; I’m not perfect). I may be too shy, but I’m not tactless. I may look to lowly of myself, but it motivates me to improve myself and to be humble about my gifts. For the longest time I was stuck on evaluating myself based on a metric that wasn’t even mine or applicable to me in the first place. The challenges I’ve been through this year shed some light into what makes or breaks me, and these really helped in shaping my perception of myself.

Leaving college, where most of my contact with people were, made me realize the need for nurturing relationships. Now that I don’t get to see my friends that often, it would now need more effort to keep in touch. I also have a tendency to withdraw from people and to think that no one wants to be bothered with me. I can’t do everything alone, and it took a lot of pride-smashing to admit that. I’m very grateful for everyone who stayed, who has been there for me, and who have accepted all my charots and side comments. 😊) If ever you guys are reading this, you know who you are! I’m also really happy to have reconciled with so many people. May the next years be better for us.😊

7. Unsubscribing to the “sunk-cost fallacy” (perhaps the most important!).

I’d probably get a lot of sayang naman, but there’s nothing wasted in doing all the things that led me closer to what I want in life. Time spent on things that probably don’t have anything to do with my future career isn’t a waste. Each experience is unique through the kind of lessons it may offer. Whatever you can pick up from what you do in the present can be viewed in a multitude of perspectives. There’s always something to be learned from what you did, how you did it, and why you did it. This life is mine to live, and only I get to say what’s valuable or not. 😊

I’d make these 8 for 2018, but I’m out of ideas. Here’s to being honest with myself. 😊)

I asked for growth, but I wasn’t ready for it. Not at all. When I was younger, I thought that I’d have everything figured out by the time I was 21. Now that I’m a year older than that benchmark, I still don’t know what I want in life.

But after this year, I know I’m closer. 😊

EDIT: Sayang yung mga video at pictures ko throughout the year, so I chose some and put them all in one video. Credits to the rightful owners din pala sa ibang pictures na na-grab ko!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Vb2gZM-xRZ88MOvyTLzcRzicTFh0fGeb/view?usp=sharing

(Songs used: Kingdom Come and Wrestle, both by Clara Benin)